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Have I ever mentioned how much I love to read? Because I ADORE it. I will read anything you place in front of me. Except text books. They are boring...well...yeah, most are. And the PMBOK (Project Management Body of Knowledge) is not readable. It is a fact dump.
But good books are something I love. Especially novels. I tried to avoid books this summer since I needed to focus on job searching and stuff, but books managed to sneak their way back into my life. At any given time I am in the middle of a half dozen different titles. At the moment they include:
The Sex Lives of Cannibals by J. Maarten Troost (I am totally in love with this book!)
Blink by Malcolm Gladwell
Flat, Hot, and Crowded by Thomas L. Friedman
Counterfeit Gods by Timothy Keller
Drop Shot by Harlan Coben
Out of Poverty by Paul Polak
Buy-ology by Martin Lindstrom
The Egyptologist by Arthur Phillips
The Girl with the Gallery by Lindsay Pollock
And I have several library books next to my bed that I haven't even started. This list doesn't include all the random novels which get devoured in about a day. And lately I have noticed a trend of reading more non-fiction books.
I go through phases of reading constantly and then something like school happens and I hardly glance at anything that isn't required reading. But I do love books.
Actually I just like acquiring completely random and useless knowledge. Someday I will put it to use, but for now it just rattles around in my head.
A friend sent me an e-mail the other day calling this the summer I wasn't expecting. She was absolutely correct in that statement. Events in May radically changed my life and all my expectations of the future. After that day, I was shattered and a complete mess. But the pain subsides. And I have picked up most of the pieces. Everything that happened has made me stronger and wiser, but a little bit sadder. I am still struggling with cynicism and distrust. But who wouldn't be when their heart is broken?
But I have also realized that I didn't like the person I was before. I was twisted into knots trying to be someone that I wasn't. And I like being me. Yes, I can be rather catty sometimes and a bit of a smart-ass, but we all have faults.
I have stepped out of my comfort zone many times this summer and each time, I have come away with the same realization: People actually like me. I know this sounds basic and simple, but as someone who struggles with self-esteem and frequently feels like a failure, this is huge.
I attended a Bible study on Saturday where I knew no one going in. As I fretted about making a good first impression, my exceptionally wise mother who knows me way too well gave me two pieces of advice to keep in mind:
1. Don't go in expecting to have a terrible experience, because if you only look for the negative, that is all you will see.
2. Don't be an Ice Princess. (Whenever I am nervous, shy, or uncomfortable, I start to withdraw and became aloof, haughty, snobby, and pretentious. This is a terrible habit of mine which started when I was a child and I really need to break it. This act wins me no friends and earns me enemies pretty easily.)
The study went surprisingly well. People were nice and open and some of us even met up the next day after church.
Now I am still not sure what direction my future is taking, but I do know that I want to be me as I go into it.
So I am totally slacking in my yoga attendance this week. According to the scale, all of my hard work over the past few weeks has accomplished nothing. It has obstinately stayed on the same number. However, I have had it drilled into my head by loving family members (Hi Deb!!!) that the scale means nothing.
What I have noticed is that my appearance is changing. My arms are much more tone. Not only do I have a bicep, but I have visible triceps. Also, my hamstrings are amazing (underneath the cellulite.) And my obliques are becoming quite toned. For the first time in my life I have muscles that bulge or at least have the potential try. Not in a gross power lifter sort of way, but in a there is something more than flab covering my bones.
So I guess I should take this as a sign that progress is occurring, but I still hate the triangle pose and have much cursing and loathing taking place in my head.
On Wednesday I drove to Fort Worth and met up with some former colleagues to celebrate one's birthday. It was wonderful since all my favorite people were there. We range from 26-35, but are all in the same phase of life. None of us have ever been married or had children. We have had serious professional jobs before, but are currently not sure where our life is headed...Peace Corps, grad school, Europe? But none of that matters. At the moment we have the freedom to be spontaneous and unexpected. This is not to say that we are irresponsible, but we are a bit crazy.
There is a freedom in being able to get an invitation, think for 5 seconds, say yes, change into some fabulous shoes, and waltz out the door. It is a phase of my life which I thought was over. And I must admit that I am extremely relieved to have it back. This is a selfish time of life, but I am trying to set my life on a healthy path so that I will be able to care for a family when that time comes. Although, even when I do have a family, I still want to be flexible enough to change plans at a moments notice and take advantage of unexpected opportunities.
Lately I have been struggling to define myself. I keep thinking about all the things that I am not.
Not employed.
Not in a relationship.
Not sure where I am going in life.
Not satisfied with my present situation.
But then a benign question reminded me that there are many things and experiences which make up who I am. They are elements of my personality and contribute to my belief system.
A classmate asked what was written on my shirt. The shirt references the Save the Waves Coalition whose mission is protecting surf spots globally. At first I felt slightly foolish telling him what my shirt said. I am not a surfer. Why do I own and wear a shirt promoting protection for surfing venues? Then I realized that I was being too hard on myself. 
Just because I have lived most of my life in surfing-free locations, doesn't mean that I don't surf. When I lived in New Zealand, several friends had boards and we would periodically go to Piha and pretend like we knew what we were doing. I have had lessons, occasionally I even manage to stand up. If I lived closer to a surf-friendly ocean, I would regularly be in the water with a board. (Heck, if I lived near anything wet, I would regularly be in it!)
I don't have to be a professional to be able to do something. It is okay for me to say that I surf. I am also allowed to say that I can snowboard, ski, hike, paint, draw, sew, knit, swim, crochet, weld, travel, and tap dance. Sadly I don't know how to sail a boat. Maybe someday I will get to learn. Until then, that which we call a wave by any other name would still make me giddy. Unless it is full of oil which breaks my heart.
A dear friend gave me a book about green living for my birthday a few years ago. At various times I have read bits and pieces of the book. It makes some really great suggestions about how to reduce our impact on the planet, but some of the ideas are not realistic.
The author discusses using an electric bike to travel around town. She touts that it can travel up to 25 miles on a single charge. I have had one-way work commutes which were further than that. She also says that if you are idling for longer than 30 seconds, you should turn off your car. I can't imagine that going over well if you are in the left turn lane with other cars behind you who must wait for you to start-up your car and turn.
Some of her biggest points have to do with giving up your car 1-2 days a week. I feel like that might work fine in some places, but well...Texas is the king of sprawl!!! Walking and biking are wonderful modes of transportation, but they will not get me to where I need to go.
So I guess I will have to be green in other parts of my life since my car dependency can't be changed. And I live in an area without public transportation.
I woke up angry today. Well, maybe the anger came when I checked my e-mail and received a rejection letter from a job application for a position with a museum. It was something for which I am actually qualified and have experience. Additionally, at one of my previous museums, I work closely with this institution to prepare 25 works of art which we lending to them. It was just frustrating to be rejected without even a phone interview. But that is the nature of job searches.
Anyways, I realized that I am angry. And I am angry about everything. I am angry about my job situation/search, my weight, my appearance, my class, my yoga practice, my lack of friends who live nearby, my inability to sleep, my eating habits, my lack of a relationship, my lost camera charger, my current feelings of helplessness, my lack of goals, my lack of direction, and I am extremely angry at Matt.
However, being angry doesn't get me anywhere.
I have to take control of the areas of my life that are controllable. I can't beat myself up over the areas which are beyond my control. This means focusing on accomplishments, no matter how small. So I am reminding myself of the following:
-Since deciding to move back to Plano, I have lost about 5 lbs. and am slowly starting to fit into some of my old clothes.
-I have attended yoga at least 4 times a week for the past three weeks.
-I am building muscle.
-I have stayed in contact with my friends in Fort Worth and even saw them this past weekend.
-Not being in a relationship is a thousand times healthier than being in a bad relationship.
-While I may not care for my prof, I am understanding my classes and good at the work.
-One of my classmates wants to recruit me for his company. (My fingers are crossed that something might work out!)
-Not having my life planned out gives me the ability to take advantage of opportunities when they strike.
I have had some experiences in my life which were not positive, but instead of giving them power and letting them destroy me and control me, I have rebelled. I have gone in a different direction and pushed until I was successful.
One example of this is from high school: marching band was extremely important to me and I never considered quitting. However, my director informed me that I was "no longer beneficial to the group" and asked that I leave. Instead of being heart broken, I focused my energies in my other classes. As a senior I took my first art class which with special permission was an honors class. That spring, I submitted two of my pieces to a regional art competition. Both of my pieces received the top rating and one was selected to go on to area, then state. At state it received a perfect rating.
Success is not instantaneous. As I write this, I realize that story took place over the course of 18 months. I just have to be patient and realize that the anger will not go away overnight. But if I focus my energies on my successes and goals, then I won't have any left for the anger.
Sometimes you turn on the radio and a song just hits you. There is something about it which grabs you and it sticks in your head for all the right reasons. Tonight that song was "Control Freak" by Joe Rut. It felt slightly biographical, especially the opening few lines:
"I think bad things/when the Volvo driver breaks for the green light/’cause it might turn yellow
I think bad things/Cafe Royal/I’m just trying to read my paper/you’re fighting on your cell phone
I think bad things/In the checkout line/You’ve got eighteen items/and the limit’s nine
I think bad things/At the Versateller/You’re endorsing fifty checks/I just want twenty dollars
I think bad things/At the Wash N Fold/You take up seven dryers/And then leave for three hours"
I will admit to being an impatient stickler for almost all rules except speed limits (I learned to drive on George Bush Turnpike--you always go 20 mph over). However, I always use my turn-indicators. Anyways, I can't stand people who are inconsiderate towards those around them. But this song starts off in a way that describes my frequent habit to think mean thoughts towards those who annoy me or do stupid things.
Anyways, the song is catchy. Take a listen.
So I am not really enjoying my project management class. It is all theory and quite dull. I think I would like it better with a different instructor. Mine has a habit of launching off on long tangents which do not relate the subject matter. He is also quite vocal on his personal opinions, such as smart phones are a waste of money and bandwidth.
He just reaffirms my belief that good teachers can make the worst class fabulous and bad teacher can ruin even the most exciting of subjects.
I am also disliking him for giving us a list of 47 terms at midnight last night and expected them to be defined by 10 pm. Most of the class has a full-time job and families. These definitions are not in our book and are specific to project management so they can't be found in Merriam-Webster.
I can't say that I am not learning a lot, but I do think that I would glean more with a different prof. Or at least I would be staring at the clock as often.
This morning I headed off to yoga feeling confident and strong. I arrive early and saw one of my favorite instructors. It had all the makings of a good class.
I entered the darkened room, spread out my mat and towel, and laid down. Then it hit me. The heat was unbearable. Some classes are held at 90 degrees while others are at 98.6 degrees. This class was the latter, but it felt much worse than that.
It generally takes me a while to start sweating. Some people sweat the moment they think about exercise, that is not me. I can walk several miles on a treadmill or pedal an exercise bike for twenty minutes and hardly feel clammy. But not today. We had barely started stretching before I was a waterfall of sweat. I could hardly do many moves since my hands were too wet to grip. We were not even half way through the class, before I was laying down to catch my breath. Luckily I was not alone. I think everyone could tell the class was hotter than usual.
Unfortunately, even though the room had an effect on my practice, I was still annoyed with today's practice. I know that every practice will be different, some good and some bad. But today was miserable. Nevertheless, tomorrow is a new day and I will be back at the studio, ready to try again.
